I haven't written anything in a very long time. The last time I remember writing something that was for me were in my days in Parkside where I would write in the morning before I woke up, and then right before bed. I remember lsitening to Susan read teh daily reflections in the morning, and for those first few days I was so groggy that I believe I slept through almost every one of them. The troubles I would write about in that journal seem so trivial now, but they're always there with me under my mattress when I need to take comfort in the lessons I've already learned, and understand that I've made in through so much already, that I can always survive a little more.
I remember hating the world with all of my heart. I hated the cards that I've been dealt, I hated the hurdles that have been thrown my way, and I absolutely feared the future and what it would bring above all else. I remember every heartache from when I was younger, I've always wore my heart on my sleeve. The little things always stuck with me. And I always made it through the big things. I think myself and most of my family spent many months wearing black at funerals or taking breaks from school to be in the hospital.
But through all else, I've retained who I am. I'm humorous and sarcastic, but caring. I'm happy and eccentric, but I have a deeper side. I'm honest, but sensative. I'm intelligent but not egotistical. I love myself without being a narcissist. I have an integrity about me that many are lacking these days. I believe it was Dale who told me everyone was different. Some see ourselves clearly before we can see the world clearly. But I am different.
I've taken many things for granted for a long time. I've always been one to want what I couldn't have, so things that came easy to me naturally took a back seat. To me, a career and school mattered less to me than my happiness, because those could be accomplished later. I've always put others before me in almost every area of my day to day life. I think that's why I have such amazing friends who'll do anything for me, and I know that that's the reason they care for me so much. I remember Chase putting a candle on a cupcake for my 13th birthday. I remember Mariclaire holding my hand in the car at a random gas station when it looked like it was our last night alive. I remember breaking Meagan's heart in a car, finally letting go of many of my secrets. I remember running abck to Mom every time I got my heart broken. So many people have been here for me through it all, and most of the time I felt I had to do it alone. And honestly, I think I did have to try to do it alone, because I needed to learn how many people I have here for me.
A year ago today as I laid unconcious and seizing in my bed, my family fast asleep and unaware of my condition, I found the path I was supposed to be on. Yes, my stubborn ass has strayed from that path like it was my job, but I finally found it. Nine months ago today I saw the world clearly. It felt like freshman year, when I went my whole life without glasses and finally could make out the leaves on the trees. I've always been stubborn and independant, whether it was my job or learning to ride a bike, I did it myself. I hated change, I used to be so afraid of it. I've always been calm like the ocean but unpredictable like the wind. And sometimes I was known to drastically change almost over night. But whatever I did, no one could ever argue it wasn't my own will or my own choice.
September 07th 2010. I can finally see myself clearly. Yet again I've parted from my path only to stumble upon it again as a last resort. I've been taking it easy for far too long, and I know a few of my Parkside brothers and sisters understand this. So afraid of messing up, so afraid of change, so afraid to move forward for the fear of failing and returning to the bleak, grey world that we came from. I've sat idle for far too long, and I've let my potential go unused.
It's high time I stop putting what I want before what I need, and what I can't do before what I can. I'm so grateful for all of my friends and family who are such a big part of my life, and for the little things like raising canes and true blood, and I love each and every one of you mroe than you know. :)
p.s. - Prozac ain't got shit on serenity :)
I remember hating the world with all of my heart. I hated the cards that I've been dealt, I hated the hurdles that have been thrown my way, and I absolutely feared the future and what it would bring above all else. I remember every heartache from when I was younger, I've always wore my heart on my sleeve. The little things always stuck with me. And I always made it through the big things. I think myself and most of my family spent many months wearing black at funerals or taking breaks from school to be in the hospital.
But through all else, I've retained who I am. I'm humorous and sarcastic, but caring. I'm happy and eccentric, but I have a deeper side. I'm honest, but sensative. I'm intelligent but not egotistical. I love myself without being a narcissist. I have an integrity about me that many are lacking these days. I believe it was Dale who told me everyone was different. Some see ourselves clearly before we can see the world clearly. But I am different.
I've taken many things for granted for a long time. I've always been one to want what I couldn't have, so things that came easy to me naturally took a back seat. To me, a career and school mattered less to me than my happiness, because those could be accomplished later. I've always put others before me in almost every area of my day to day life. I think that's why I have such amazing friends who'll do anything for me, and I know that that's the reason they care for me so much. I remember Chase putting a candle on a cupcake for my 13th birthday. I remember Mariclaire holding my hand in the car at a random gas station when it looked like it was our last night alive. I remember breaking Meagan's heart in a car, finally letting go of many of my secrets. I remember running abck to Mom every time I got my heart broken. So many people have been here for me through it all, and most of the time I felt I had to do it alone. And honestly, I think I did have to try to do it alone, because I needed to learn how many people I have here for me.
A year ago today as I laid unconcious and seizing in my bed, my family fast asleep and unaware of my condition, I found the path I was supposed to be on. Yes, my stubborn ass has strayed from that path like it was my job, but I finally found it. Nine months ago today I saw the world clearly. It felt like freshman year, when I went my whole life without glasses and finally could make out the leaves on the trees. I've always been stubborn and independant, whether it was my job or learning to ride a bike, I did it myself. I hated change, I used to be so afraid of it. I've always been calm like the ocean but unpredictable like the wind. And sometimes I was known to drastically change almost over night. But whatever I did, no one could ever argue it wasn't my own will or my own choice.
September 07th 2010. I can finally see myself clearly. Yet again I've parted from my path only to stumble upon it again as a last resort. I've been taking it easy for far too long, and I know a few of my Parkside brothers and sisters understand this. So afraid of messing up, so afraid of change, so afraid to move forward for the fear of failing and returning to the bleak, grey world that we came from. I've sat idle for far too long, and I've let my potential go unused.
It's high time I stop putting what I want before what I need, and what I can't do before what I can. I'm so grateful for all of my friends and family who are such a big part of my life, and for the little things like raising canes and true blood, and I love each and every one of you mroe than you know. :)
p.s. - Prozac ain't got shit on serenity :)
